Close encounters of the Spider kind

"You're so hypnotizing.
Could be the devil? Could you be an angel?
Your touch magnetizing.
Feels like I'm floating, leaves my body glowing.
They say be afraid.
Different DNA, they don't understand you.
You're from a whole other world.
A different dimension.
You opened my eyes.
And I'm ready to go, lead me into the light.
Bite me. B...b...bite me.
Infect me with your love and fill me with your poison."

A few days after the infamous BLACK WIDOW spider bite I heard Katy Perry's "E.T" song on the radio and I knew it was meant to be.  So I have forever dedicated that song to my old friend, Spidey, who was kind enough to bite me in my sleep and leave me writhing in pain for days and days.  Doctors were mystified.  Husband was mortified.  I was terrified.

So I woke up early one morning to a sharp pinch in the middle of my back.  I was so tired that even though I knew I had been bitten by something, I went right back to sleep.  Which means Spidey was STILL crawling around in my bed and I didn't even know it.  Shudder.

Fast forward about 120 minutes later, I have now cleaned my kitchen, mopped the floor, and am at the store shopping for groceries.  Suddenly my body feels completely paralyzed and I am so nauseated that although it is physically impossible for me to throw up, I am positive I'm going to anyway.  I made it home, crawled back into my spider infested bed ( I didn't know a spider existed at that point) and watched Hulu for a couple of hours while I wrote my Will because I swore I was dying of something.

Lightbulb: Something bit me this morning.

Thanks google for recognizing my symptoms as a spider bite and for giving me the creeps as I head to the doctors because of all the gruesome pics of spider bites I've just witnessed. Barfy.

BYU Urgent Care diagnosis: Not a spider bite..it's your appendix. White blood cell count..abnormally high.  Abdomen..very painful.  Bite..even more painful, but ignored all the same.

Emergency Room Diagnosis: CT scan..not appendix. While waiting for the word on what's wrong with me, I begin having SEVERE tightening in my abdomen..I cried. Worse than labor. Death is coming. This continues for 45 minutes with nurses running into the room to give me 3 more doses of morphine which by the way did NADA.

Surgeon finally comes in, looks at the bite, and tells me that my bra just irritated my skin and that's why it looks like that.  Oh really? Hmm..
Doctor comes in and says the same thing.  Both tell me I'm crazy and come back later if I feel worse.  I cry some more, because I'm certain the only thing worse than this is death.  I'm not ready! I don't even know who Ashley gets engaged to on the Bachelorette and I was just given permission to eat steak again.

By now I'm sure it was a spider (although google is still the only one on my side) and when I go back to the doctor the following morning still sick as ever, it's finally confirmed. Could it be because my bite is now 3 times bigger and more inflamed than yesterday?  Sure enough, the 4th doctor looks at my bite and says "what the crap....I'm calling poison control." 

Black Widow spider bite FACTS:
-ability to mimic needing a major surgical procedure..such as appendix.
-extreme nausea and vomiting
-nocturnal...most active at nighttime (good luck sleeping tonight)
-chest pain, difficulty breathing
-will only take 4 doctors + google + poison control for anyone to believe that you were actually bitten.  It may take more doctors if you explain that you were NOT in fact in your garden or garage when it happened, but peacefully dreaming of happy things while lying in your own bed.

Turns out my bite was infected so the day AFTER they concluded it really was the feared black widow I was back in the doctors office to see a 5th doctor who was amazed to finally meet someone who had a close encounter of the spider kind.

I keep telling Andrew that I feel strangely powerful and  have the ability to scale walls and fight off bad guys, but he doesn't believe me. 

I also have been looking unusually fabulous in my red spandex jumpsuit and I've always known I'm hotter than Tobey Maguire anyway.

P.S- YES my house has been sprayed since then..three times in fact.